Sex parties are like bodies – they come in all shapes and sizes! They can be small, informal groups at a private home or large events at established sex venues. They can be tailored for specific kinks or a horny dancefloor free-for-all. Whatever floats your boat.
Sex parties aren’t for everyone, but if you’re into them, then there’s something for every taste. Read on for our guide to what to expect.
Public parties
These can be events in licensed venues like sex clubs or bathhouses. They may also be events in gay bars or clubs where sex is not advertised or officially allowed, but it still happens. These venues may have signs up that prohibit sex, to ensure they comply with the law, but still let it happen.
Licensed venues
Events at licensed sex clubs or gay saunas should have clear guidelines about dress code. These should be available online, so you can look it up in advance to know what to expect. Such events will often have an underwear-only or nude-only dress code, or towel-only if it takes place in a bathhouse.
Venues will usually have a space where you can change out of your clothes after arriving, and lockers or a clothes check where you can store your belongings. Aside from bathhouses, you may have to pay extra for this.
Licensed sex venues will also be able to give you their rules, if any, about where guests can and cannot have sex. If you’re not sure, then you can look around to see what others are doing. If multiple people are playing in a certain area, it’s probably safe to do so.
Unlicensed venues
Unlicensed venues are gay bars or clubs that host sex parties but are not licensed for sex to take place. It can be slightly harder to know the rules for sex parties at these venues. This is because they can be in a legal grey area, and are more discreet about sex that happens there.
You can often find out about these parties on social media. Cruising sites like Squirt or Sniffies may have information about them. Dress code rules should be available online, and they will likely have a clothes check where you can store your belongings. This may cost extra.
Rules about sex at unlicensed or grey area parties can vary. Some bars or clubs have darkrooms. These are separate, darkened rooms at the back of a venue where people can cruise and hook up. Some may have play areas with kink equipment. Kink areas can be legal because kink activities don’t have to involve sex.
At grey area parties, sex is usually limited to these spaces. These venues may operate a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about their darkroom or play area – in other words, they turn a blind eye to sex if it remains in there.
At some events, sex may also happen outside these rooms. If a venue does not explicitly advertise that sex is allowed, then you can take your cues from what’s going on around you. If others are having sex outside the darkroom or play area and staff haven’t intervened, then it’s probably ok. If you have sex in more open spaces and staff ask you to stop, then just ask them where you should go.
Private parties
Private sex parties are usually arranged on hookup apps. In these contexts, people will use terms like “group” or “event”. This is because “party” often refers to Party n Play, which means substance use during sex. If you’re not sure what someone means then don’t be afraid to ask.
On apps like Grindr or Scruff, someone may advertise that they are hosting an event in their profile. You can chat with them for more information and get an invite that way.
On Sniffies, you can view events in advance. You can see the approximate party location, when it’s happening, who is hosting, and an event description. You may also be able to see who else is attending, if the host has set this to be visible. You can request to attend, and if you’re accepted you will see the address.
Some larger parties may operate like bars or clubs – there may be an entrance fee, which you’d usually have to pay in cash. This may be called a “donation” in order to get around licensing rules.
Types of party
Some hosts may select who comes based on their sexual preferences and what they want the party to be like. For example, a host who is bottoming – and wants to be the only one doing so – may only be looking for guests who top. On apps, these events are called “cum dumps” or “pump and dumps”.
Some hosts may want an even number of people who top and people who bottom. If you have information about the kind of sex you like in your profile, it can help a host know what you’re into. If you don’t have the information visible then just let them know in your message.
Some parties may be geared towards certain types of sex or kinks. For example, they could be for oral sex or masturbation only, or people who are into BDSM.
If you are at a party that focuses on certain sex types and prohibits others, it’s important to respect these rules. If you’d like to have kinds of sex that are banned, then you and your partner (or partners!) can continue the party elsewhere.
At the party
Hosts at private parties will have rules about what is or isn’t allowed, and which spaces you can play in. You can discuss these before you arrive or ask when you get there.
Substance use
Some people at private parties may be using substances. If you would like to avoid these, then just ask the host ahead of time what their policy on substance use is. They may allow certain ones but not others.
Drink spiking is where someone adds substances into your drink without you knowing. Sometimes this can be intentional, but it can also happen by accident when people are mixing substances into their own drinks. You can lower this risk by bringing your own drink and using a bottle with a cap.
If you use a cup then keep an eye on this and replace it if you have to leave it unattended (like when you’re having sex). If drinks are provided, only accept ones you have seen being opened or prepared in front of you. If drinks are pre-mixed in a jug or container, then you can ask the host if there is anything in it.
If you choose to use substances, it is best to measure your own doses so you know how much you are taking. Tolerance can vary a lot between people, which means someone else’s dose may not be the same as yours.
Valuables
Leave your valuables at home. If your clothes come off, you can't keep an eye on your pockets!
Keep your phone near you and pack a charger or portable battery pack if you think you'll be out for a long time.
Consent
Just because someone is at a sex party does not mean they automatically consent to having sex with you. The same goes if they are naked or they are having sex in view of others. You can get verbal consent by asking directly. In some environments people may not talk – in these cases, you can get non-verbal consent through cues like eye contact and nodding.
If you are at a sex party, this also means you are not obliged to have sex with anyone. Partners still need your consent. If you’re not interested in someone, you can shake your head, push their hand away or say “no thanks”. If they do not respond to this, then you can be more assertive with your “no”.
You won’t ruin the vibe by asserting your boundaries. Your safety and wellbeing is important.
Safer sex
Sex parties often involve group sex or multiple partners, which raises risk for HIV and STI transmission. There are a few ways you can reduce this risk.
If you are HIV-positive, then HIV treatment can prevent HIV transmission through sex. If you have an undetectable viral load then you won’t pass on HIV to your sex partners. Just remember to keep taking your medication at your scheduled time. If you think you might be out for a while, take some pills with you and set an alarm for your usual dose.
For HIV-negative people, PrEP helps prevent HIV when taken as prescribed. PrEP can have a risk of reduced kidney function and bone density, but this risk is low. A recent study of 14,000 PrEP patients found 0.9% had these problems. As with HIV treatment, just remember to take some pills with you and set an alarm so you don’t miss your regular dose.
Condoms can also help prevent HIV and many STIs. If you would like to use condoms then take these with you to the party. It’s also a good idea to discuss condom use with your host beforehand.
If you don’t use condoms or forget to use one, then DoxyPEP is a medication that can help reduce your risk for some STIs. DoxyPEP is an antibiotic that you can take after having condomless sex, within 72 hours but ideally within 24 hours. As with PrEP, it's essential to consult with a healthcare provider to discuss whether DoxyPEP is a good fit for you.
DoxyPEP can cause temporary digestive issues like nausea, but taking it with food can help. Some researchers have also cautioned that using doxycycline for DoxyPEP may increase the risk of antibiotic resistance, particularly when used inconsistently. Public health units are carefully considering these risks alongside the benefits of reducing STI transmission. At the time of writing, DoxyPEP has been formally endorsed by America's Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The Public Health Agency of Canada is currently conducting its review.
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