So you’ve had the conversation with your partner and decided to open up the relationship. Mazel tov! Be it swinging, polyamory, or umbrella term ethical non-monogamy (ENM for those in the know), you’re ready to get out there and get some multiple partners on!
But where are you going to find these additional partners?
You might be lucky enough to have a nearby space (gay bar, club, social club, whatever) that attracts an open-minded, sex-positive crowd. But for the rest of us, or if you can’t get the motivation to put on pants (I feel you), pick up your phone and let the swiping begin.
While the vast majority of dating apps are geared toward monogamous folks, some are way more ENM-friendly than others.
Of course, the general caveats apply: a couple seeking a couple will have an easier time than a couple seeking a third, and the queer-friendliness largely depends on where you’re located. Still, you may as well set yourself up for success no matter which open relationship type you identify with.
Feeld
This is the creme de la creme, the gold standard of ENM dating apps. Boasting 1.6 million members, you’ll have the best possible luck in connecting with your friendly neighbourhood poly/ENM/swinger types. This goes double if you’re in one of Feeld’s designated major metro hubs.
Feeld runs the gamut of what people are looking for in their ENM relationships. You’ll get just as many folks looking to complete their perfect triad/quad as “let’s meet up for an orgy tonight” types, with everything in between.
Huge bonus points for an excellent self-identification array of options: Feeld has 18 options for gender selection and a whopping 20 for orientation. If you are a paid Majestic user, you’ll also be able to search by whichever tags you create for your “Desires” and “Interests” section.
You only have the option to connect your profile with one partner, which is a bit…uh, antithetical to the idea of being a poly-friendly app? But as Feeld can be a little buggy sometimes, this might be more of a coding limitation than imagination. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt anyway.
ENM Friendly: 5/5
Queer friendly: 3/5
Free version: 5/5
General rank: Excellent
OKCupid
Seriously! OkCupid may be a real OG of dating apps (or a real grandpa, depending on your outlook), but their willingness to read the room and give the ENM people what they want has made them a truly excellent choice for a dating app. Hell, I’d argue they might be tied for number one. Crazy, right?
The sparkle in OKCupid’s algorithm gives the user the option to identify as monogamous or non-monogamous, which, THANK YOU, we feel so seen.
But it doesn’t stop there — you can also choose if your search options should just include non-monogamous people or exclusively show them. So in effect, it’s one click of a button and poof, OKCupid has become a 100% non-monogamy dating app for you. Amazing.
OkCupid also has the option to show only single, only partnered, or both single or partnered people. So if you’re unattached and looking for a primary partner, or if you’re part of a duo looking for a quad, it’s effortless to self-select.
The UI of OKCupid also leaves it open for a lot of reading and a higher bar of introductory messages. Is this a benefit or a problem? That’s up to you. If you’re used to quick-draw swipes-thumbs, you might find it a bit of a slog. If you love to curl up with a hot tea and a good profile, you’ll love it.
ENM Friendly: 4/5
Queer friendly: 5/5
Free version: 3/5
General score: Really good
#Open
The idea/theory behind #Open is incredible. Never before has so much thought and care gone into developing an app for ENM people and around how many ENM people actually date.
You can have both your own profile and a profile that you share with your partner.
So, say you would like to meet another spicy couple for same-room play and an ongoing quad dynamic with your boo, you’ve got your couple’s profile ready to go. And then, when you want to find an agender kinky queer sub for your own life, independent of your other partners, you’ve got your solo profile. No need to log in and out of two accounts.
The app is also super conscious of sexual compatibility, which is no picnic in general but gets played on extra hard mode between four people. You can set out your intentions, interests, and hard limits with hashtags.
#Open isn’t higher on this list because, as of now, the user base is a little on the light side. The lack of users means that you’re probably going to spend at least some time crafting messages to long-abandoned profiles.
Still, it’s worth a shot, and the people on #Open tend to be cool, progressive, emotionally mature folks. It’s beneath # Open’s lofty ideals, but their user base tends to be hotter than average. Shrug.
ENM Friendly: 5/5
Queer friendly: 5/5
Free version: 5/5
General score: Good quality, poor quantity
3Fun
The beauty of 3Fun is that it makes no pretenses about what it’s up to. Its Tinder-like interface rewards a short and sweet profile and an eye-catching profile pic. You want a threesome? 3Fun’s gotcha.
3Fun’s grasp of orientation and gender is….pretty stunted. You can choose between identifying as a single female, single male, male/female couple, male/male couple, female/female couple and “trans.” See what I mean? 3Fun’s orientation choices are listed as the same.
If you approach 3Fun as a no-frills hookup app, it gets the job done. If you’re looking for something with a little more resonance, you’ll do better in deeper waters.
The unicorn-hunting flavour of 3Fun drives most dyed-in-the-wool poly folks screaming for the hills. This leaves most of its user base as curious newbies dipping their toes in ENM waters or folks that already have their keys in hand and are ready to drop trou at a moment’s notice.
ENM Friendly: 4/5
Queer friendly: 2/5
Free version: 3/5
General score: It is what it is
Tinder
Tinder, the giver of carpal tunnel thumbs. It’s the most popular dating app in the US, with an estimated 66 million subscribers. In 2016, Tinder broadened its self-identification options to a whopping 37 possible gender identities.
But while Tinder has made itself a more attractive option for queer dating, it remains pretty firmly rooted in monogamy. You can’t create an account as a couple, nor can you link your profile with your partner’s. So everyone shows up de facto single.
What ends up happening is that, at best, an ENM person dating on their own gives a head’s up in their profile that they’re available, but not necessarily single. The single monogamous folks gripe a bit about having to parse through non-monogamous profiles they can’t automatically filter out, but it’s generally no big deal.
At worst, male/female couples create an account together as a “bisexual female” and start looking for bi women to join them. They either don’t know that they’re pissing in the pool of queer women’s online spaces or don’t care.
This goes for Bumble and Hinge as well— if you’re going to use these apps as a couple, be mindful of your audience. Even for solo poly folks and ENM people dating without a partner in tow, don’t forget to read the room and check yourself on couple privilege once in a while.
ENM Friendly: 2/5
Queer friendly: 4/5
Free version: 4/5
General score: Why go here?
Ashley Madison
So you’re a site that’s expressly for married monogamous people looking to cheat with other taken monogamous people and then, the unthinkable: you get hacked, and a lotta someones got a lotta explaining to do. Oops! What now? Well, if you’re Ashley Madison, you say you’re not reeeeeeallly cheating, per se, you’re more just, like, in an open relationship that you didn’t know was open until now, but babe, you can EVOLVE!
Ashley Madison took itself from a self-respecting site for inconsiderate assholes and remade itself in the image of the fuccboi who skimmed one evolutionary biology Medium article and now won’t shut the fuck up about how it’s totally natural for him to hide his phone and not let you know where he is.
But Ashley Madison’s clamouring justifications don’t hide the fact that I am positive close to none of their user base’s partners know what they’re up to, and this would make any poly person head screaming for the hills.
And while we’re on the subject, what in the trans-erasure biphobia is this? First, males and females? Barf. But…there are no bisexuals in Madisonville? “Males” can’t be attached and seeking a sneaky D? On second thought… we’re better off without.
ENM Friendly: 3/5
Queer friendly: 1/5
Free version: 5/5
General score: Cold shower
The failed poly apps with barely any users
A moment of silence for PolyFinda, BiCupid, OpenMinded, Fantasy Match, 3Som, and their other shuttered or somehow still barely hanging on brethren who could never get the user base they needed to succeed.
You lived your life like a candle in the wind. We will wistfully think of you sometimes, in quiet moments, swiping on Feeld.
General score: RIP
