Bottoming is an art. It can feel great, but can also be intimidating – and it takes some practice to get comfortable. Enter, Freddie!
We’re here to make bottoming easier for everyone who wants to try it. Want to learn more? Read on!
Am I a bottom?
When it comes to queer life, there are two rites of passage: coming out, and asking yourself “am I a top or a bottom”?
The media, porn, and other queer people might make you think you have to pick one. But queer sex and sexual identity can be so much more than these two. Also, it’s 2024 – nobody does binaries any more.
Just because you bottom doesn’t make you a bottom. Some people identify with that label, only ever bottom and would rather eat glass than top. If that’s you, great! But for many others, things are more fluid.
Maybe you’re a top who bottoms once a year, maybe you’re vers and split it 50/50 (or 70/30, or 60/40), or maybe you don’t care about labels. The beauty of queer sex is how many options we have. No matter how you identify, we’re here to help you on your bottoming journey.
Preparing to bottom
Successful bottoming doesn’t start in the bedroom. Fibre, anal training and techniques like douching can all play a part. The elements you choose will come down to your diet, anatomy and personal preference.
Shower
At minimum, go to the bathroom and get everything “out”. Take your time! Read a book, scroll TikTok, or find your high school enemy on LinkedIn. Then take a shower and wash your butt with soap and warm water. For some, that might be all you need.
Douching
Some people use douching to prepare for bottoming. This is where you clean out the inside of your ass with water using a special tool (a douche).
You don’t have to douche. Plenty of people don’t do it, and it can have some health risks. But if it makes you feel more comfortable, then spray away! Just don’t do it every day – limit to a few times per week maximum.
To learn more about douching, check out our guide.
Fibre
You can also use your diet to prepare for bottoming. Eating more fibre can help keep things moving regularly, which can make douching easier or eliminate the need for it.
To learn more about fibre, check out our guide.
Toys
The anal sphincter is a ring of muscle (two rings, if we’re being precise) that controls what goes out and in of your ass. Think of it like any other muscle that needs a warm-up – just like you’d warm up at the gym before working out.
Using anal toys before sex can make bottoming more comfortable. You can work this into foreplay or do it yourself. The toy you use will depend on how experienced you are and what your body is used to.
In general, start small before slowly progressing in size. You can buy anal training kits specially designed for this. These are sets of toys that get gradually bigger.
To learn more about anal toys, check out our guide.
Lube
Lube is an essential part of anal play. This is because the rectum doesn’t self-lubricate, so you’ll need some extra help. Lubing up in advance can make bottoming easier because you’re already prepared.
If you’re using toys to prepare for bottoming, you’ll be using lube anyway. But you can also use lube applicators to put lube inside you and save time later. Just don’t forget to lube up the applicator itself before you use it.
To learn more about lube, check out our guide.
How to bottom
Bottoming isn’t something you can dive right into. Going straight to penetration without any foreplay can be painful! And it doesn’t have to be.
Depending on your partner’s size, you will probably need some preparation. You can do this yourself with some of the steps above, or you can do this with them during sex.
Lube
When it comes to lube for anal sex, more is more. It keeps things moving smoothly and can help prevent pain or discomfort.
Types of lube that stay “slicker” (i.e. wetter) for longer are best for anal sex. Silicone-based lube is a good option that works well with condoms and most toys. Water-based lube also works with condoms and all toys but it can dry out, which means you need to re-apply more often.
Oil-based lube is the slickest but it can damage condoms, making them ineffective.
Foreplay
Foreplay with hands or toys can help your anal muscles relax enough to bottom. If you’re using hands, your partner can start with one finger before moving up to two.
If you or your partner(s) are using fingers, gently applying outward pressure can help get things ready – think of it like lightly stretching open a rubber band. If you’d like, you can then progress from fingers to toys.
During foreplay, go slow. Communicate with your partner and let them know how it feels. Only go up in size when you feel ready. There’s no “right” way to bottom or correct amount of time this should take. It’s about listening to your body.
Use plenty of lube and tops, if you’re reading – trim your fingernails.
Positions
Some positions can be easier if it’s your first time bottoming or you find it uncomfortable. These are ones that give the bottom more control over how fast or deep you go.
Positions where you’re on top, like cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, can be good ones to start with. Once you’ve got comfortable in a position where you’re controlling the pace, you can switch to others like doggy (where you’re on your hands and knees) or missionary (where you lie on your back).
Does bottoming hurt?
It shouldn’t!
Bottoming can feel uncomfortable at first. If you start slowly, breathe and focus on relaxing your muscles down there, it should gradually feel better.
In general, bottoming can be a confusing sensation for your body. So if it feels strange at first, that’s ok! It sets off the same signals to your brain that you need to poop, but you probably don’t. This is because there’s something going in a part of your body where things usually… come out. It can take some getting used to.
One way to help your anal muscles relax during sex is to gently "push" out as if you're, you know, pooping. This is because these muscles are used to relaxing to let things out (so you've got to trick them).
What to do if it hurts
Pain can sometimes happen. This is more likely if you’re new to bottoming, haven’t bottomed in a while or if your partner is bigger than you’re used to. And it doesn’t have to mean the end of sex.
Dr. Evan Goldstein, a renowned bottoming expert, says pain can be caused by the muscle or skin of the area being too tight. Sometimes, it might be both. In these cases, preparation and training – like with the dilation kit or cone from his sexual wellness brand Future Method – can help.
There can also be other causes. "Some people have chronic issues, like tears (fissures) or dilated veins (hemorrhoids) and skin tags," Dr. Goldstein explains. These can contribute to anal pain. "For other people," he says, "it’s a neural or mental connection that plays a part in pain when bottoming". In other words, feeling comfortable and safe with a partner can help improve things.
If the pain is short-lived (as in, it goes away after your partner pulls out) then it’s probably ok. It just means you went too quickly and need more lube and/or foreplay. Wait a few minutes and then try again with these extra steps.
If the pain doesn’t go away after your partner pulls out, then stop what you’re doing. "The sooner you stop," Dr. Goldstein says, "the lower the risk of complications or injuries". If your pain is severe or you see more than a few drops of blood then get medical help immediately. Don’t be embarrassed – just tell them exactly what happened. Doctors have seen everything, and an anal sex injury is nothing to them.
What about numbing lube?
You might see lubes or sprays that claim to make bottoming easier. They do this by numbing the area. Do not use them!
Pain is useful. It’s a signal from your body to slow down, use more lube or stop altogether. Without it, you can miss the warning signs and end up hurting yourself.
What if it’s not working?
Sometimes bottoming just doesn’t work. You can try everything, but anatomy – either yours or your partner’s – can make it impossible. That’s ok.
Sex should be fun and pleasurable for everyone involved. If it’s not, then you shouldn’t force it. There are many ways to have sex and bottoming is only one of them. Get out there and experiment!
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