Kink is a broad umbrella. It can mean anything that’s a “non-traditional” sexual activity. In other words, if something turns you on that’s not usually thought of as sexual.
There’s a theory that the word “kink” comes from its meaning to bend or deviate. It’s a type of sex or sexual desire that’s considered outside the norm. This can be materials, locations, body parts, bodily fluids, role play... anything!
As queer people, we already know that “normal” sex is subjective. Who decides what normal is, anyway? Kink lets you explore fantasies and scenarios to find what turns you on.
Some kinks are well-known, like leather or spanking. Others can be more niche. The most common one that you might usually think of is BDSM. This stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, and it’s what we’ll cover in this article.
Kink 101
There’s no right or wrong kink, so long as it’s safe, legal and consensual. Here are some of the basic principles that ensure a kink experience is enjoyable for everyone.
Scenes
You might hear people use the word “scene” to describe a BDSM encounter. This is because BDSM is role-play. Everyone involved gets into a role or character (more on that below) to act out a power dynamic. And just like in theatre or a movie, this scene can be ended if it needs to for someone’s safety.
Scenes can be ended with safe words – think of it like when a director yells “cut!”. This is a word or words that you both agree in advance that can stop a scene immediately. These are essential in kink scenarios, for everyone’s physical and emotional safety.
Roles
In BDSM role play, one partner has control over another. As with all kink scenes, these roles and their limits are agreed upon in advance.
One partner is the dominant – they direct what is happening. This can be with verbal or physical control, or both. The other person is the submissive, and lets their partner take control. If someone is a switch, then they can switch between both these roles. They may switch roles between partners or in the same scene.
You can think about BDSM roles as roughly the same as queer sex roles like top, bottom and vers. But as with sex roles, these can be fluid!
Communication
Kink, especially BDSM, is all about trust and communication. Before trying any kink activities with a partner you’ll need to check in with them and decide what works for you both. Here are some questions to ask each other:
- Turn-ons – What do you want to explore together, and what would really turn you on?
- Boundaries – What is off-limits for you? How will you express if these change in the moment?
- Safe words – What is your safe word? Make sure this is easy to remember.
These should all be discussed and agreed ahead of time. Remember that boundaries are not a starting point for negotiation – if someone sets them, then respect them.
Communication after kink play is just as important as doing it before. Having a debrief gives you a chance to unpack what worked or what didn’t, and explore any feelings that may have come up. It can also help make future scenes even more enjoyable.
Kink and safety
All sex comes with risk, including kinky sex. Exploring BDSM with strangers can be riskier if it’s a one-on-one environment like a hookup. The more extreme the kink play, the riskier this can be.
A fun, fulfilling kink experience requires communication and trust – with someone you know, you can be more confident that they are aware of and will respect your boundaries. If you are in a submissive role with a trusted partner, then you can feel more relaxed knowing there is less risk of harm.
If you’re planning a BDSM scene with a hook-up, then talking about your limits and safe words in advance is extra important. This can help keep you and your partner safer.
Substance use
BDSM play requires even more communication about consent than regular sex. Substance use can affect someone’s ability to give or interpret consent. For this reason, some people in the community won’t engage in BDSM play when substances are involved.
If you are going to use substances, there are extra steps you need to take to ensure everyone’s safety. Here’s a few things to bear in mind:
- Some substances like K or opioids may reduce how much someone feels pain, which can increase the risk of physical injury.
- If someone has taken stimulants like coke or Tina they can be at risk of dehydration if they are being restrained.
- Downers like K, G, opioids and alcohol can affect someone’s breathing by making it slower and more shallow. Certain restraint positions may make it harder to breathe in these situations, which can be a safety risk.
If you are the dom in a BDSM scene where substance use is involved, it is extra important to regularly safety checks. These can include checking if restraints are too tight, if you partner is well hydrated, if they are breathing ok and if they are in distress.
To learn more about staying safer when using substances, check out our guide to Party and Play.
How to get started
Want to explore kink alone or with a partner, but don’t know where to start? Here are some options!
Sex shops
If you have a sex shop in your city, these can be a great resource for learning more about different toys and kink equipment. Staff are experts in their products and most sex shops are queer-friendly. They can guide you through the best options for beginners, depending on what you’re looking for. If you’d like to level up your kink play they can also help you select something more advanced.
Kink parties
Most major cities will have a kink scene, and kink parties come in all shapes and sizes. They will usually have a space with DJs and a bar, a more relaxed lounge area, and a play space with kink equipment. Some parties will allow sexual contact while others will only allow non-sexual kink play like flogging or spanking.
If you’re at a kink party, you don’t have to get involved if you don’t want to. You can just watch and figure out what you might want to try yourself or with a partner.
Kink apps
Can’t find a local kink scene? Enter, apps! Regular hook-up apps like Grindr and Scruff give space for you to put your interests in your profile, including kinks. There are also specialised apps like Recon, a fetish app that caters to queer men, and Feeld, which has users of all genders exploring polyamory, non-monogamy and kink.
See a professional
A pro domme is a professional dominant whose services you can pay for. Because BDSM scenes do not have to involve sexual contact, this can be legal in places where sex work is not. They will often work out of a dungeon or play space, and can help clients explore new kinks safely.
Pro dommes can see individual clients or couples of any gender – it all depends on the individual provider and the services they offer. You can also often read reviews from previous clients or see photos and video to get a sense of what they offer.
.png)
