When it comes to anal sex, it might seem like bottoms do all the work. From douching to fibre or preparing with toys, bottoming can be a lot of effort. And for tops, things are easy. Right?
Well, not exactly. Topping – insertive anal sex – doesn’t need as much preparation, but it’s not as simple as just sticking it in going to town. It requires patience, communication and a whole lot of lube.
Want to learn more? Read on for Freddie’s guide to topping.
Learn what it’s like
The best way to understand what sex feels like for a bottom, and how you can do a better job as a top, is to try bottoming yourself. Our guide to bottoming can help if it’s new to you.
If you’re not comfortable bottoming with a partner, then experimenting with anal toys is a good place to start. When using anal toys for the first time, remember to start small, go slow, and use plenty of lube. Check out our guide to anal toys to learn more about different types of toy and what lubes they are compatible with.
Why is this important?
Learning about how to slowly build up to penetration when you’re bottoming will give you a better idea of how to properly do it when you top.
Depending on your size and your partner’s experience, foreplay with hands or toys will probably be needed before sex. Trying bottoming yourself can give you a sense of how much time to spend on this and what feels good (or not).
When you get down to it
You can’t jump right into anal sex. If you do, it’ll be uncomfortable or even painful for your partner! Here’s some tips to get things going.
Foreplay
Foreplay with hands or toys can help the anal muscles relax enough to bottom. If you’re using hands, you can start with one finger before moving up to two.
If you or your partner(s) are using fingers, gently applying outward pressure can help get things ready – think of it like lightly stretching open a rubber band. If you’d like, you can then progress from fingers to toys before moving on to penetration.
And please, trim your fingernails.
Communication
Great sex involves communication. That’s communicating about what feels good, and also what doesn’t.
While some people are confident about communicating their needs during sex, others may not be. If it’s a one-off hookup or you don’t know your partner well, don’t make assumptions about what they do or don’t like. Just ask them!
When you’re building up to penetration and getting started with it, ask your partner if it feels good and look out for any signals that it doesn’t. If they wince or seem uncomfortable, ask if they’re ok. When you get positive feedback, you’re good to go.
Since topping in most positions involves having more control over the experience, it’s on you to check in with your partner. Even if they were ok in one position or at the start of sex, it doesn’t mean you can switch things up without notice. This doesn’t have to disrupt the flow of things! Talking dirty is hot – ask them if they like it faster or harder.
Lube
You need lube. Lots of it. Just when you think you’ve used enough, apply more.
Types of lube that stay “slicker” (i.e. wetter) for longer are best for anal sex. Silicone-based lube is a good option that works well with condoms and most toys. Water-based lube also works with condoms and all toys but it can dry out, which means you need to re-apply more often.
Oil-based lube is the slickest but it can damage condoms, making them ineffective.
UTIs
Since topping involves putting dicks in butts, doing this without a condom can expose you to bacteria that normally stay in the digestive system. Some of these cause urinary tract infections (UTIs). To reduce the risk of UTIs, make sure you pee soon after sex. This can help flush bacteria out of your system.
If your sex partners have vaginas, then switching from anal sex to vaginal sex can also raise their risk of UTIs. You can reduce this risk by using condoms and replacing these every time you switch from anal to vaginal sex. If you don’t use condoms, then you can use wipes instead.
UTI symptoms often overlap with symptoms of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you have these symptoms, like discharge from your penis or burning when you pee, it’s best to go to a sexual health clinic first. If you don’t test positive for an STI then they can explore UTI testing and treatment options for you.
Accidents
When it comes to butt stuff, accidents can happen. It’s totally normal. Even if a bottom douches before sex, bodies are just gonna do what they do. And that’s ok.
What’s important is how you handle it. People who bottom can already face stigma within the queer community – being shamed for having an accident only makes this worse. But accidents are nothing to be embarrassed about, and they’re not one person’s fault. After all, it takes two to tango! Or in this case, do anal.
If it happens to you, don’t make a big deal of it. If your partner feels self-conscious then focus on being kind and supportive.
Sometimes you just clean up and keep going. If that’s the vibe for you both, great! But if it kills the mood for them, even if you don’t mind, then make sure to respect that.
